There is a tendency among couples to withdraw from their social world once they become a "social unit." Days before we tied the knot, a good friend of mine bemoaned, "We have to hang out before you get married! After that, I'll never see you again!" It sounded so absurd to me during my pre-marital days that I vowed never to become part of that hermit couple, the ones who drop off the face of the earth, never to be seen or heard from again. But two months into our marriage, I'm seeing how that can be possible. Wanting to spend every moment with your new spouse, coupled with work, school and fatigue...yeah, I can see how a busy routine can slowly erase any inkling of a social life from your schedule. In the middle of job hunting, merging assets and settling into a new home and routine, I realize I have barely been in contact with most of my friends since getting hitched. It becomes even more difficult living a good 30 minutes from everyone.
But, no, just because we're married, we shouldn't lose aspects of our former single selves, as if everyone and everything from our previous lives are purged from our memories. Instant amnesia. You now must start over. No. That's not what marriage is about. It shouldn't stop us from cultivating relationships outside of our marriage.
Gosh, I've been so MIA, and yes, I attribute it to wedding planning. How bizzare...I never thought I would be that girl, the one who lived, breathed dreamed nearly every moment planning the imminent wedding. Now, it's over, done with. Do I have post wedding blues? In a way, I kind of miss the planning part, doing all the research, working on DIY projects, getting all crafty and creative and sharing it with all of my fellow brides on my other blog. But, now I've crossed the threshold--literatlly, although the hubs would have died trying to carry me across it--and I love it! I love going from bride to wife. I wouldn't give that up for anything and I'm so relieved that the day finally arrived...geez, after eight years, I wouldn't want to wait another minute! No more waiting...but now what? The hubby and I are working on building and nurturing our new relationship from betrothed couple to married couple.
But is it really different? People tell me all the time, things don't really change when you get married...and well, I'm already seeing the difference.
For instance, the hubs and I merged our assests and set up a joint checking account. We agreed on what expenses we would pay out of the joint account verses our own personal accounts...but I'm still getting used to that...sharing money. I still have the tendency to want to purchase things with my own card and my own money. He and I are still learning that what decisions we make not only affect us, but each other...even more so now that we're married. I suppose I'm still trying to figure out a healthy balance of individuality and independence with marital unity.
What I'm slowly learning is that developing and nurturing your relationships with not only your spouse, but with friends and family is vital to maintaining your own individual identity.You also must be comfortable with who you are, before and during marriage. You need it. You can't contribute to a partnership--a whole--if you aren't whole yourself.
So, now I am on a conscious ongoing mission, to nurture my relationships, with not only my new husband, but with my family and friends. I need to pick up the phone and call the friend I've been putting off talking to. I need to drive over to my parents' place and see how they're doing. I need to spend time with my sister. I need to call my big sis in AZ. Oh, yeah, there's the family dog at my parents' place who is sorely in need of a walk.
I went to mass this past Sunday and I had a Judy Blume moment where I asked, "Are you there, God? It's me, Hazel. Yup, I know we haven't talked in awhile..."
I need to nurture the relationship with myself. finish that book I've been putting off reading. I need to actively pursue my life's goals and ambitions. Hello, new job? Aren't I planning to run a marathon in 6 months???
But there are times when it's ok to let go. There are times where either he or I will need to sacrifice, for each other and we'll both want to. We're not doing this all on our own anymore. And it feels so good to know that.
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